In a stunning possible security breach, Gregory Mone reveals in his book, “The Truth About Santa: Wormholes, Robots, and What Really Happens on Christmas Eve” some of the sensitive data loss that has been occurring in Father Christmas‘ organization. Answers to questions that have plagued human kind since the first report of the jolly old elf are beginning to appear on the Internet. Through heavy research and interviews with scientists and other field experts (management consultants, Berkeley astrophysicists, Navy SEALs) Mone was able to discover that Baba Noel accomplishes the seemingly impossible annual mission using advanced science and technology. Mone claims no information was obtained through disgruntled elves.
On a mission to reveal the truth behind Pere Noel, Mone took time for an interview on NPR’s Morning Edition and did an one hour lecture at MIT. Shaula Clark reporting for the Boston Phoenix on the MIT lecture, exposed some of Babbo Natale’s trade secrets:
- Kanakaloka is not immortal, but retains his jolly vigor with the help of organ printers.
- Swiety Mikolaj does not, in fact, leave toys under the tree; instead, he comes bearing complex chemical reactions — toys assemble themselves in their packaging.
- Ded Moroz’s Christmas Eve rounds are actually accomplished via several teams of Santa-recruited lieutenants, a series of short-distance wormholes, and time travel.
- Papai Noel’s base of operations (actually in Greenland, not the North Pole) is greatly threatened by global warming — to keep his unfathomably large server farm cool, he needs the Arctic chill. Papai Noel’s own green initiatives include planting trees and cloning his elves (“because he wouldn’t want [them] breeding on their own”).
According to Mone, Sinter Klaas uses tools that are hundreds of years beyond what we have at our disposal. For example, “Santa’s suit is laden with what are called metamaterials, which have the effect of bending light around a person so that they turn invisible” — which can come in handy if there are curious children peeking during his Christmas deliveries.
Questions on the Internet have been raised as to where Mone may have obtained his information. At the beginning of the month, Mone traveled to Google allegedly to take part in the Authors@Google series. During the talk Mone discussed how implanted listening devices in the ornaments help Hoteiosho keep the naughty and nice kids straight. Also discussed was the use of cloning and wormhole technology to help Baba Chaghaloo get to every household. A few posts on the Internet question whether Google could be providing information to Shengdan Laoren through advance data mining in exchange for some of the advance technologies.
Could the US government also be involved? Those Internet posts point to the partnership between Google and NORAD (the North American Aerospace Defense Command), a bi-national United States and Canadian organization. NORAD and Google are helping children track the journey of Jolasveinar around the world using Google Maps and Google Earth. In a possible attempt to gain patents and disrupt Google market shares, there are even rumors that Gaghant Baba’s workshop has been purchased by Bill Gates. Could a secret message exist behind the Microsoft Bing commercial about Daidi na Nollag?
Google maintains that they take user privacy very seriously. In this case, I believe them. If there is trickery, Tomten would likely be behind it. How can one trust a person who goes by so many names? And what exactly is his past? Every country provides a different story. If he is a jolly old elf, there are reports that elves have used trickery as a means to an end. Local and federal governments across the world have gift policies limiting the the value and number of gifts that can be given to government employees. Gifts can be used as bribes. One could begin to wonder if the gift bearing holiday might be a cover for a massive yearly bribery event. More troubling, attempts to trace those questioning Internet posts lead back to ISPs in Greenland. Maybe Jack Bauer is needed to get at the truth.
I am not saying Chimney John is not a jolly nice fellow. I am just not a great believer in security through obscurity. There is a great deal we don’t know about Samichlaus. As security minded people, we need to be always questioning. Video of Mone’s Google talk has been made available. View it below and judge for yourself:
Wishing you a great holiday, wherever you may be and whatever you may believe.
